I wanted to write this a few months ago, but I have been swamped lately. Literally, swamped. Let's face it, we can all sit and lament the lack of coverage our sport gets on TV, but after hours of researching the cable networks, I think I have an answer. We need to race through swamps. Anything with "Swamp" in the title gets a show on cable.
It started a few years back with Swamp Loggers on Discovery, as we watched North Carolina loggers deal with horrible conditions, venomous snakes, alligators and equipment that will break down without warning to harvest hardwoods to build, well, whatever. Next, my personal favorite, Swamp People debuted. This one follows a group of alligator hunters in the Lousiiana bayous during the thirty day season dealing with horrible conditions, venomous snakes and equipment that will break down without warning to harvest alligators for hide and meat. (It's okay to slaughter gators for meat, but not horses, of course.
Swamp People has generated a cottage industry for The History Channel. You can go on-line to by $26 dollar t-shirts (buy four and maybe Troy Landry can get a teeth cleaning and x-rays) with cute catch-phrases like "Choot im, Choot 'im!" I wonder how many of these guys actualy have Interenet access. One of the gator hunters is an American Indian who is also a wrist-wrestling champ. He would certainly fit tight in the paddock on many nights at Northfield Park. And with their look, hair and dentition, Brothers Glenn and Mitchell Guist could find a job on any backstretch. Have a look at http://ts4.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1353618960655&id=7b74363d8a846b51f27c962c4e2e1218.
Remind you of anyone?
Recently two other shows have joined the airways. Swamp Men is not a misogynist twist on Swamp People. After all Swamp People did add female gator hunter Liz (Don't call me Elizabeth) Chevalier in season two,. Instead, this one looks in on the crew at Billie Swamp Safari. This Indian, err, Native-American run tourist trap features a true swamp experience. We watch the crew, headed by Ed Wood (no, not that one), deal with tourist "chickees" (kind of primitve cabins) in horrible condition, venomous snakes, alligators and equipment that breaks down without warning.
Swamp Wars details the dedicated folks of the Miami-Dade Venom Squad and is the most disappointing of the genre, since there are hardly any cheesy re-enactments. These folks are government employees who get to deal with wild weather conditions, venomous snakes, alligators and top-end equipment as they extricate native and exotic reptiles, usually from nice suburban homes, and deal with their impact on the public. (Imagine Python Hunters with badges0.
So, here is what we do for Swamp Racing. Flood the track. The softer surface means fewer breakdowns and healthier horses who can race longer. Heck, we could probably double heat them since the miles will be going in :15. Interview the mud-covered drivers regularly and create their personalities- Aaron Merriman could spout Facebook-esque motivational lines in the winners circle and Ryan Stahl could just stand there and look stoic. Turn loose a few gators in the infield pond (or maybe we could get more "live action" with snapping turtles). Maybe Greg Grismore or George Brennan could even wrestle a gator.
Turn a concession stand into the Swamp Cafe, serving gator nuggets, crawfish etoufee (which is apparently the Cajun word for stew), and the like and have every episode feature interviews with fans, all of whom must speak like the late Justin Wilson. www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK4umRMJlrs
Now call the producers and let's get this baby on the air.
Off-topic- Thanks to all of you who wrote about the pending exotic animal legislation in Ohio. I have yet to hear from any of the politicians involved, but I will try to keep you all updated. See you next week.
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